Its been two weeks since my life and my whole families lives were completely rocked by the shootings in Newtown. I can't quite believe it has only been two weeks. It feels like so much longer, but I am no closer to understanding or to feeling like some change has been enacted to prevent this. I know that both of those things are a long way off if they are even possible.
I've never been one to care much about the New Year, but this year I think I do. 2012 was tough year in so many ways. There are some definite challenges on the horizon in 2013, but I am looking forward to turning the page on this year and getting a fresh start no matter how illusory that start is.
One good thing I can take away from this year is what I have learned about myself. I have a new sense of myself and what I can handle as well as what is really important to me. I think adversity can bring better self-awareness and I'm grateful for that small thing. I know it will help me immediately and hopefully well into the future.
A quick update on my family...
My nephew and niece are doing OK. There is still a lot to deal with for both of them, but I think they are looking forward to starting their new school next week. I am sure there is some trepidation for them, but I believe they crave the normal routine. I hope it will be helpful more than scary. We spent Christmas Eve with them and it was such a treat to see them running around and smiling -- eating candy and playing with new toys as elementary school kids should be doing. My brother and sister-in-law are hanging in there. I worry about them as they've had so much to deal with in these last two weeks and the end of the worry will probably never come for them. Their lives are just as changed as their children's. All of us are in awe of our remarkable luck that we still have my nephew with us and that this time hasn't been the nightmare of our imaginings.
28 December 2012
17 December 2012
It has been awhile...
It has been awhile since I've written a blog post. I was starting to think that maybe I didn't want to write in my blog anymore. Those of you who know me, know I tweet a lot and I'm on Facebook constantly. I started blogging as kind of a public journal, but then it did turn into a way for me to keep my friends up to date and a place to record unique and mostly funny things. Little by little, it seems like Facebook took that over. I mean, who doesn't love instant gratification, right? And for so little effort, it is a double bonus.
But just a few minutes ago I opened Twitter to write something and just as quickly, I closed the window and moved on. It occurred to me that I haven't been able to tweet anything since Friday. Since the horrible school shooting. I am stultified by so much of this, but mostly by a desire to not make less of the grief that those who lost loved ones are feeling. How can anything I say be relevant next to the pictures of these beautiful babies or the stories of the heroic children and first responders? I have nothing to add on gun control or mental health, so many of you have said it so eloquently and angrily for me already. All I can add is a simple "me too" to those posts. I have no funds I am starting to help victims, no vigils I am planning. All I have is my own overwhelming sadness and anger.
Then I remembered my blog. I'm pretty sure I know everyone who reads my blog and they are all good friends. I want to share with my friends the way I am feeling and what I have experienced. They can read or not read and either way is ok with me. And if by any chance you're reading this and I don't know you personally, I hope you'll understand my desire to share in this way.
My niece and nephew are students at that school. My family is incredibly lucky because they are physically unharmed. My niece is 8 and in 3rd grade. She did not see anything and for that I am grateful. She is terribly affected by losing her principal and other friends and teachers and I don't really know how she's doing, but she seems to be OK.
However, my nephew who is 6 was in one of those classrooms. He saw the gunman and he escaped in the bathroom with some other students. The story is still unclear, but he knows what happened and when the police office carried him out of the room he was told to close his eyes, but he didn't. So, he saw the dead bodies of his teacher and his friends. There were two first grade classes. All the kids except one were killed in one class. 5 kids from my nephew's class were killed.
When I think of the terror he must have experienced I start to cry. When I think of what he lost in those short moments, I am overwhelmed. His life is forever changed. And he really is still a sweet and innocent baby. When I think of the terror everyone who faced that gunman felt and think that was the last thing so many of them felt, I want to scream. When I think of the parents who lost their sweet and innocent babies, I want to crawl into my bed and never get out.
When I see the victim's families I am reminded at how easily that could have been me and my family. That terrifies me. If anything happened to Zoe, I know that I could not go on. The fear makes me want to keep Zoe home from school and never let her out of my sight. It makes me want to stay home and hide.
But I know if I do that, this gunman, and all the others who have struck fear in my heart over the course of my life, they win. And as my mother wisely said, not only do they win, but I lose. So, I sent Zoe to school today and I went to work. I faced the news and read all the reporting of the day. It was hard and I am glad to be home now, safe with my family.
I am grieving for my brother and sister-in-law and my niece and nephew and the hard days they have to face at funerals this week and then as life goes on, in facing the victims families including their own next door neighbors. I am grieving for all 26 of those people and their families and for the family of the gunman. I am grieving for the fact that Zoe has to know about something like this. And selfishly, I am grieving for myself, for what this has taken out of me. It is small in comparison, but it still hurts.
I am hoping for some peace and for some change.
But just a few minutes ago I opened Twitter to write something and just as quickly, I closed the window and moved on. It occurred to me that I haven't been able to tweet anything since Friday. Since the horrible school shooting. I am stultified by so much of this, but mostly by a desire to not make less of the grief that those who lost loved ones are feeling. How can anything I say be relevant next to the pictures of these beautiful babies or the stories of the heroic children and first responders? I have nothing to add on gun control or mental health, so many of you have said it so eloquently and angrily for me already. All I can add is a simple "me too" to those posts. I have no funds I am starting to help victims, no vigils I am planning. All I have is my own overwhelming sadness and anger.
Then I remembered my blog. I'm pretty sure I know everyone who reads my blog and they are all good friends. I want to share with my friends the way I am feeling and what I have experienced. They can read or not read and either way is ok with me. And if by any chance you're reading this and I don't know you personally, I hope you'll understand my desire to share in this way.
My niece and nephew are students at that school. My family is incredibly lucky because they are physically unharmed. My niece is 8 and in 3rd grade. She did not see anything and for that I am grateful. She is terribly affected by losing her principal and other friends and teachers and I don't really know how she's doing, but she seems to be OK.
However, my nephew who is 6 was in one of those classrooms. He saw the gunman and he escaped in the bathroom with some other students. The story is still unclear, but he knows what happened and when the police office carried him out of the room he was told to close his eyes, but he didn't. So, he saw the dead bodies of his teacher and his friends. There were two first grade classes. All the kids except one were killed in one class. 5 kids from my nephew's class were killed.
When I think of the terror he must have experienced I start to cry. When I think of what he lost in those short moments, I am overwhelmed. His life is forever changed. And he really is still a sweet and innocent baby. When I think of the terror everyone who faced that gunman felt and think that was the last thing so many of them felt, I want to scream. When I think of the parents who lost their sweet and innocent babies, I want to crawl into my bed and never get out.
When I see the victim's families I am reminded at how easily that could have been me and my family. That terrifies me. If anything happened to Zoe, I know that I could not go on. The fear makes me want to keep Zoe home from school and never let her out of my sight. It makes me want to stay home and hide.
But I know if I do that, this gunman, and all the others who have struck fear in my heart over the course of my life, they win. And as my mother wisely said, not only do they win, but I lose. So, I sent Zoe to school today and I went to work. I faced the news and read all the reporting of the day. It was hard and I am glad to be home now, safe with my family.
I am grieving for my brother and sister-in-law and my niece and nephew and the hard days they have to face at funerals this week and then as life goes on, in facing the victims families including their own next door neighbors. I am grieving for all 26 of those people and their families and for the family of the gunman. I am grieving for the fact that Zoe has to know about something like this. And selfishly, I am grieving for myself, for what this has taken out of me. It is small in comparison, but it still hurts.
I am hoping for some peace and for some change.
08 October 2012
In the fall a young(ish) woman's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of...
Loafers!
I've never been a big fan of summer shoes because I'm very particular about my sandals and open-toes. Winter shoes are only fun to contemplate when one is actually going skiing. Spring is too wet and often too cold to consider it as its own a shoe season at all and not just an extension of winter without wool socks.
But the fall is prime time for shoes and, as you all know, my favorite style shoe is usually featured prominently. Here are some that I am coveting:
I've never been a big fan of summer shoes because I'm very particular about my sandals and open-toes. Winter shoes are only fun to contemplate when one is actually going skiing. Spring is too wet and often too cold to consider it as its own a shoe season at all and not just an extension of winter without wool socks.
But the fall is prime time for shoes and, as you all know, my favorite style shoe is usually featured prominently. Here are some that I am coveting:
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| I saw these beauties on my recent visit to Dallas at the Cole-Haan store. They are so cute with that bright green sole and they look really comfy too. I'd wear these everywhere. |
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| These sparkly Kate Spade loafers actually came out for spring, but how cute would they be to wear to a holiday party? |
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| These are classics from Michael Kors, but these are actually a deep red patent leather and the stitching is red. I would wear these to work a lot. |
21 September 2012
Oh! Here's my blog
Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The truth is I was almost killed by work, but I managed to pull through and survive. I don't even care to re-hash, but I did learn some really good lessons in the last 6 months or so. I'll share them with you now:
- It is OK to say no. When you only have about 3 free hours in a week and someone invites you to do something you're not that crazy about doing, it is OK to just say no. Well, no thank you is generally more appropriate.
- It is possible to spend multiple workdays simply answering emails as they come in. At the end of those days you are exhausted, but feel you've accomplished exactly nothing.
- Jellybeans can be taken medicinally.
- Rob is completely capable of getting Zoe where she needs to go with the things she needs to have.
- Smartphones can feel like anchors.
- When someone else is making dinner, just sit down and be happy about it, don't even ask what you're having.
- Good friends are incredibly understanding about these kind of epic work situations. Families are too. Even Zoes.
Speaking of Zoe, there's so much to say about that incredible girl, but I'll save that for a well thought out post. Tonight, as I finally feel like I've returned to the land of the living and not perpetually working, I wanted to get something up on this blog for posterity.
26 May 2012
On being a pin cushion
Let me start this off by saying I am fine now. I am on the mend and will be good as new in no time.
On Monday I was scheduled for a minor surgical procedure much like the one I had last summer. Since that procedure went so easily I really wasn't concerned about this one and was really just annoyed by the inconvenience and timing since work is so crazy right now.
I should have realized things would not go as smoothly when the nurse was starting my IV for the procedure tried and failed twice and then had to call in another nurse to finally get it in. It doesn't hurt a lot in the scheme of things, but it doesn't feel good either.
Next thing I knew I was waking up from surgery and getting ready to go home. That part is a little fuzzy. However, I was definitely in more pain than the last time. The pain continued the next day. Pain killers helped and the doctor said the pain I was experiencing was probably a side effect of the anesthesia. By Wednesday morning I was sick and couldn't keep anything down and I was directed to the ER where I was admitted, cat scanned, and pumped full of IV antibiotics -- once the IV was inserted after 2 attempts. I was told that I may need more surgery and that they wanted to keep me for observation. Re-scan revealed that I could go home after a full night and day of observation.
If you've ever spent a night in the hospital you know there is very little rest involved. It was a long night that included one more IV insertion when I accidentally pulled mine out in the hour of sleep I managed. I finally got home Thursday night. Yesterday I felt better, and today I feel better still. However, I look like a heroin addict so I have to be a careful not to get arrested this weekend.
Let's not forget poor Zoe. This was an awful week for her. She was scared of me going in for surgery to begin with and seeing me so unwell was really hard for her. My mom and Rob were scared too and I hated seeing all of them so upset and worried about me. It is my job to worry about them. There were a lot of things I hated about this experience like the pain, like interrupting everyone's life, like needing to be cared for, but I hated that part the most.
I am grateful to my family who have taken such good care of me. My mom has been simply amazing and I know am incredibly lucky.
On Monday I was scheduled for a minor surgical procedure much like the one I had last summer. Since that procedure went so easily I really wasn't concerned about this one and was really just annoyed by the inconvenience and timing since work is so crazy right now.
I should have realized things would not go as smoothly when the nurse was starting my IV for the procedure tried and failed twice and then had to call in another nurse to finally get it in. It doesn't hurt a lot in the scheme of things, but it doesn't feel good either.
Next thing I knew I was waking up from surgery and getting ready to go home. That part is a little fuzzy. However, I was definitely in more pain than the last time. The pain continued the next day. Pain killers helped and the doctor said the pain I was experiencing was probably a side effect of the anesthesia. By Wednesday morning I was sick and couldn't keep anything down and I was directed to the ER where I was admitted, cat scanned, and pumped full of IV antibiotics -- once the IV was inserted after 2 attempts. I was told that I may need more surgery and that they wanted to keep me for observation. Re-scan revealed that I could go home after a full night and day of observation.
If you've ever spent a night in the hospital you know there is very little rest involved. It was a long night that included one more IV insertion when I accidentally pulled mine out in the hour of sleep I managed. I finally got home Thursday night. Yesterday I felt better, and today I feel better still. However, I look like a heroin addict so I have to be a careful not to get arrested this weekend.
Let's not forget poor Zoe. This was an awful week for her. She was scared of me going in for surgery to begin with and seeing me so unwell was really hard for her. My mom and Rob were scared too and I hated seeing all of them so upset and worried about me. It is my job to worry about them. There were a lot of things I hated about this experience like the pain, like interrupting everyone's life, like needing to be cared for, but I hated that part the most.
I am grateful to my family who have taken such good care of me. My mom has been simply amazing and I know am incredibly lucky.
20 May 2012
How Boys Plan
Rob, my brother, and a friend are planning a camping trip for next weekend. They waited until the last minute to try and reserve a camp site at a campground and since it is Memorial Day weekend, there are no sites available. Instead they've decided to scope out a friend's property in Massachusetts somewhere to see if it will be suitable. Below is an email conversation I was able to appropriate on their plans for scoping the site.
Cast:
Gregory = friend = Bluedog
Jon = my brother = TheBoy
Rob = ZoesDad = Lunchmeat
I've re-created it in chronological order and certain details have been deleted to protect the innocent and/or unknowing.
Enjoy.
Subject: Recon Sunday
Roger that Bluedog, over and out.
Cast:
Gregory = friend = Bluedog
Jon = my brother = TheBoy
Rob = ZoesDad = Lunchmeat
I've re-created it in chronological order and certain details have been deleted to protect the innocent and/or unknowing.
Enjoy.
Subject: Recon Sunday
I'm picking Zoe up from a sleep over girly party then in ready to go, I would prefer to drive if thats ok.
Subject: Re: Recon Sunday
To: "Gregory
Cc: "Jon
Date: Saturday, May 19, 2012, 8:26 PM
It looks ok, I'd like to be closer to moving water but otherwise it's great. Next year Navaho country!
On May 19, 2012, at 11:32 PM, Gregory wrote:
Subject: Re: Recon SundayFrom: Jon
Date: May 19, 2012 11:48:17 PM EDT
To: Gregory
Cc: Rob
Roger that Bluedog, over and out.
15 May 2012
Sad, Sad, Sad
Sad fact #1: I missed my blogiversary! April 13, 2012 marked the 7th anniversary of ZoesMom. That's pretty significant and I'm very sad I missed celebrating. I'll mark the occassion now by linking to a post from about 7 years ago. There's not much to it, but it is something I would still write today. May 12, 2005
Sad fact #2: Here it is May 15 and I haven't posted since April 20. I didn't even realize it had been that long. I have been so busy with work that by the time I get home and get a chance to sit down I can't usually keep my eyes open long enough to think of let alone type a blog post.
Sad fact #3: I am having serious trouble with the work/life balance thing as well as the mother/person thing these days. No doubt I have mentioned this enormous project I am working on -- it is definitely the biggest project I've worked on and it is all-consuming. As a result my mothering has really been sub-par. I've tried to explain to Zoe that it is temporary. It really is only another 7 or 8 weeks, but when you're 10 that is a lifetime. I know that. The part that makes me feel the worst is that when I do get time away from work in the evenings or on the weekends, I crave being alone. No Zoe, no Rob, no one. I should take the time I have and give it to Zoe when possible, but at the same time if I don't take the time for myself, I am awful to be around. It is a tough call. Luckily (hopefully) I have many years to make this up to her.
On the bright side this enormous work project has been opening up some cool opportuities for me and it really has been the the most interesting thing I've ever worked on. I feel like if things do all go well and are well-received this could mean even more interesting things come my way. That's exciting.
Sad fact #2: Here it is May 15 and I haven't posted since April 20. I didn't even realize it had been that long. I have been so busy with work that by the time I get home and get a chance to sit down I can't usually keep my eyes open long enough to think of let alone type a blog post.
Sad fact #3: I am having serious trouble with the work/life balance thing as well as the mother/person thing these days. No doubt I have mentioned this enormous project I am working on -- it is definitely the biggest project I've worked on and it is all-consuming. As a result my mothering has really been sub-par. I've tried to explain to Zoe that it is temporary. It really is only another 7 or 8 weeks, but when you're 10 that is a lifetime. I know that. The part that makes me feel the worst is that when I do get time away from work in the evenings or on the weekends, I crave being alone. No Zoe, no Rob, no one. I should take the time I have and give it to Zoe when possible, but at the same time if I don't take the time for myself, I am awful to be around. It is a tough call. Luckily (hopefully) I have many years to make this up to her.
On the bright side this enormous work project has been opening up some cool opportuities for me and it really has been the the most interesting thing I've ever worked on. I feel like if things do all go well and are well-received this could mean even more interesting things come my way. That's exciting.
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